Characters: Matsumoto, Hitsugaya, and mention of all our favourites of this series.
Rating: Teen (swearing, implied sex, gratuitous boobage)
Spoilers: Um, SS Arc, kinda sorta.
Summary: This is what happens when men talk to men and women talk to women...about the same thing.
AN: I was scared to write Rangiku, but one of my resolutions is to be braver in fanfic, so here goes nothing. Un-beta'd, so concrit is welcome and appreciated.
Disclaimer: Bleach is Kubo's.
“Just because I have big boobs they think I'm loose?”
“That, and you do spend much of your time drinking with men.”
“You drink with us too and no one thinks you're a whore.”
“Fukutaicho, I never said anyone thought you were a whore. Furthermore, I am merely partaking so that I have better chances at learning more natural behaviours. Alcohol does not make me play Spin The Bottle or make me feel I need to remove articles of clothing. Father says I am only allowed to go with you so he can have some 'respite from my constant and bothersome presence.'”
“They are only rumors, fukutaicho. I'm sure you shouldn't be bothered by them.”
Hitsugaya rubbed his temples as his vice-captain finished recounting to him the ways in which she most certainly was not a loose woman. She was, as usual, draped on the small couch in his office, her breasts defying the laws of gravity and threatening to burst free from their meager confines.
He hadn't the time to scold her for walking in without knocking, or for using his office as her personal retreat from the latest drama, or for not finishing last week's paperwork. She'd started in the moment she stepped across the threshold.
“...So Nemu says that Momo mentioned after last weeks Shinigami Women's Association meeting that she wondered if there was any man in Serietei that I haven't been with.”
“Ah.” He scowled at the misspellings on the New Recruits forms. The Academy was taking anyone these days.
She didn't seem to be aware of him at all as she kept pleading her case. “I tried to explain to Nemu that I sewed my wild oats back during my Academy days, and even then I was quite picky. And half of those very few men are dead or married by now.”
Her hand went to brush her hair out of her eyes, then began counting off names on her fingers, “Shuuhei went and got all tattooed, so none for him. Kira is too wishy washy and obviously obsessed with Gi- uh, Ichimaru-taicho...,”
Her captain raised his hand to silence her before she got too carried away but she ploughed ahead, sounding more agitated with each name she said.
“Don't even get me started on Ichimaru-taicho. He had plenty of chances, but never took them,” her voice quieted for a moment before she continued, “Then there's Abarai, but he just isn't my type. Tattoos, you know,” she nodded at the white haired shinigami absently as if he was engrossed in her babbling and not attempting to ignore her.
“I always knew there was something fishy about Azien-tai- you know. So, no go there. Ikkaku is too bald, Yumichika is too pretty, Ukitake-taicho is too sick, Shunsui-taicho is too perverted, nobody mentioned you, they must know I have at least some standards, and Kenpachi-taicho is too...well, he's Kenpachi-taicho,” she paused, making sure she hadn't missed anyone. “Those are the only people I associate with, aside from the Quincy and Sado-san, neither of which interest me in the slightest. I'm no pedophile, Taicho. Besides, I try not to mix work and play and that's yet another reason why I cannot be thought of as a harlot. All in all, I think I have been pretty well behaved, don't you?”
Hitsugaya found himself nodding in agreement with her. He mentally slapped himself. Now she'd seen him respond and would keep going because she thought she had his attention. Which she did, dammit. The annoyance at her comment about him was short lived. He constantly thanked the gods that he was not burdened with her as a lover, he could hardly handle her as a vice-captain.
“And get this; Nemu says that Nanao heard Abarai telling Ikkaku that Rukia somehow found out about Kurosaki and me! Can you believe? As if we don't all know how she found out. Guess those humans can't keep their mouths shut about anything...”
Ice green eyes blinked at her. He was utterly at a loss for words. He had no idea what she'd just said and refused to ask her to repeat herself. But he had caught something about her and that irritating substitute shinigami...
She continued, cutting off his train of thought with her louder-than-life rambling, “I mean, it was a one time thing and I didn't think he'd blab to Rukia about it. I thought they had a thing, ya know? Guess not,” she chuckled.
“THEN I find out, from Nemu of course, that I've been rated best piece of ass in the whole Gotei 13! And she says I should be flattered, but nobody would actually know this because I haven't been with any of them, so they are lying to each other because they think it's macho or something!!” She was sitting up now and waving her hands about.
But she was beyond enraged at this point. She stood, gripping her zanpaktou, and began pacing in front of his desk, a sign that her rant was coming to a close. He closed his eyes briefly in thanks.
“I should go kick each and every one of their asses. How dare they try and one-up each other at my expense?! I'm a lady and respectable vice-captain!”
He watched her pace but waited for her to catch her breath. He could see her working this out in her mind, as she always did. A few moments more of slowed pacing and he saw her breathing return to normal and the unpleasant scowl fade from her face.
“Well, look at it this way: they don't know about your crush on Kuchiki-taicho, so you should count your blessings. And drink less. You tell your secrets when you are drunk.” He cleared his throat and resumed filling out last week's paperwork.
She stared at him, finally silent.
He lowered his head further and grinned.
“So, Taicho, thanks for the talk, it really helped. I, um, think I have some paperwork to catch up on, so please only call me if you really need me, okay?” She blustered as she tripped out the door, muttering something about swearing off alcohol and sex forever.