Adam Epp (adam_epp) wrote in bleachness,
Adam Epp

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IshiHime Fic Contest, OPERATION: CUPID'S QUINCY ARROW, by Adam Epp

When Orihime decided to play Cupid and bring two hearts together, she never expected a certain Quincy might be aiming his arrow at somebody else. Can her mission still be accomplished or was it doomed from the very beginning?

Remember those prompts Deb made up after a night on the town? This story uses the twelfth one: Orihime tells Rukia that Ishida “likes” Rukia, and Rukia has to tell the truth, as she sees it, to Orihime. Furthermore, a nameless one gets twisted on its head. This story is rated "Teen," by the way, for sexuality jokes and swearing.

And Happy Birthday, Ishida! The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.


Operation: Cupid's Quincy Arrow


The sun was sinking, the autumn air was cool and smelled like a distant memory of summer, the trees were naked, all the shops were closing and brown leaves scattered over streets devoid of people, save for four students walking home after a long school day. Nothing unusual whatsoever here. It was a picture that could be found in any city.

This city happened to be named Karakura, by the way.

Judging by the easy familiarity the group of four emitted with each step, the high-school-aged bunch had to be friends. Towering above the other three was a spiky, orange-haired punk with broad shoulders and a collar open to the bottom of his neck. Walking closest to the teen, a petite woman wearing a regular, grey school uniform and whose age was impossible to determine from the cool demeanour of her face; the short distance between the cocky-looking guy and she implied a bond deeper than words could describe. A young girl with long strands of red struggling with the wind and very large breasts strode a pace away to the left of the couple, and there was a sense of anxiety present in the distant glances she would send to the pair. Nearly isolated from the rest, a slender youth, adorned in a clean-cut uniform and glasses placed precisely in the center of the bridge of nose, looked straight ahead as if to pretend he was not with his colleagues.

The party of four sauntered down the roads of Karakura so, and it seemed it had been this way for a considerable amount of time. Small talk was made, but none of it had any meaning; it had all been spoken before and they were merely going through the motions of everyday life.

Really, they just walked. Just walked and walked and, you know what, it was really boring.

Eventually, the moment all had been waiting for arrived and the students reached the intersection where they part ways.

Obligatory farewells:

“Seeya, Orihime! Bye, Ishida,” the short, black-haired woman cried out over a silent wind.

“Later,” the tall man grunted.

“Bye!” the stacked girl, called Orihime by the short woman, cheerfully waved goodbye.

As usual, the slim teenager known as Ishida did not even bother with a word, choosing only to lift a finger in parting. How strenuous of him.

The rigors of society behind them, the group split into three, with the couple going straight through and Orihime and Ishida taking opposite turns at the crossroads.

Up to this point, absolutely nothing out of the norm had happened.

Then, right after she began the solitary section of her walk, a chance gust of wind swept by Orihime, causing her head to pivot and revealing a sight she never anticipated.

Ishida, standing alone across the street and staring at the spot where the four friends had gone their separate ways. Only for a second, Orihime gazed into his eyes but one second was too much for her. What she saw burned its way into her memory forever: Dark, sad eyes accusing her behind thick lenses, and a tumultuous torrent of emotions hit her in that fleeting glimpse. Had such passion always been there?

Quickly, she looked away. A nagging sense of guilt lagged after her, though. A sense of responsibility for that wild gale beneath the spectacles.

How long has he been this way? What could be hurting him so much? wondered Orihime but she could guess when this pain started. She knew what troubled Ishida so, too, but simply did not want to admit it to herself. Yet, those unhappy orbs flashed in her mind, forcing her to acknowledge the truth…It must be…he must still be pining after her. Yes, he was. Oh, Ishida, I know how it feels to love somebody who won’t return your feelings! But the thought of Ishida being spurned angered Orihime, nonetheless. No! You won’t be rejected! He wouldn’t, actually. No, Ishida, I will make sure your love does not remain unrequited! The cogs went into overdrive in Orihime’s head, working furiously to produce the ultimate solution for Ishida.

Memories of her old love for the tall boy, named Ichigo (for those who have not figured his name out already), returned to Orihime. She got over him after she had sufficient time to lick her own wounds, but Ishida had a better fate in store for him that did not require any such personal recuperation. How could he not? This crazy redhead with big boobs had his back covered even better than the sweater hiding her enormous rack--which is a really bad analogy because that sweater did a poor job of that.

Now, Orihime had been thinking to herself in the middle of the sidewalk for some time by this point, and abruptly realized she had to get a move on. Random strangers were gawking at her and all. Jerks.

But those nameless people did not matter, for the Noggin Number Crunchers had successfully devised a flawness scenario fo Ishida! The smile on Ishida’s face after her plans to hook him up succeeded now urged Orihime on. Yes, she had the perfect plan to set him up the next day. It could not fail!

Oh, but even the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

Unfortunately, Orihime had never even heard of Robert Burns, much less this proverb. Like, how could she have? She’s Japanese, not English.

In any case, Orihime was most woefully unprepared for the next day, as a result.


Hustle and flow directed Karakura High School the next morning. Outside, the delinquents took advantage of the disorder to smoke with their wannabe gangster friends, and the athletically inclined finished up morning jogs. Narrow hallways were filled to the brim with youngsters; the sheer energy bursting from their steps hacked away at the very paint of the walls. Lockers were ripped open and slammed shut in ear-splitting chaos as students hurried to get their textbooks, coats, and junk in order. Some kids formed groups to gossip about the latest TV shows, while others could not be deterred by anything in their purposeful march to class.

In the midst of this juxtaposition, a fringe of orange bumbled its way, intent on finding…on finding something.

Oh, where is she? Rather, someone. But who? Ah, there’s so many people here! she thought after somebody bumped into her. Oh, it would help a lot if she wore a funny hat, logically reasoned Orihime after a crowd of super tall people blocked her way. Again, a person crashed into Orihime, but she was still too focused on the height dilemma to care. Everyone is too tall! Hmm, the one she sought had to be short. Hey, why don’t I put on a funny--

Great, another jerk just collided into her and she would not stand for this any longer! Certainly, her all-inclusive plan did not call upon such impolite manners. How could Ishida’s love life be salvaged if…


Somebody was apologizing to her.


“…and I’m sorry,” was the only part of the curt speech Orihime managed to hear.

That’s right. The one she wanted to help happened to be the person who just bumped into her and apologized.

“Uh, it’s nothing! Don’t worry about it!” Orihime brushed off the incident which bothered her considerably seconds earlier.

Awkwardly, the two looked at each other with nothing to say in the middle of the hallway. Strange how it felt like they were the only two individuals there now, despite the bustling of school life around them.

“…Have you seen Ichigo, anywhere?” Ishida asked to break the spell, “I need to talk to him about...the next class project.”

Briefly, a recollection of a distant longing in Ishida’s irises held Orihime’s tongue in check. It wasn't there again, was it? No...Ishida’s eyes appeared as unemotional as ever. At least, that’s what Orihime believed.

Oh right, that question still hadn’t been answered.

“No,” replied Orihime. It kind of bothered her she couldn’t answer him before she remembered her quest. “Have you seen Rukia this…?”

Wait…there! In a sea of adolescent bodies, a diminutive one, in particular, leaped into Orihime’s focus.


“…Never mind! I see her,” Orihime almost got completely sidetracked by this new development. "Seeya!”

But not distracted enough to miss the flicker of disappointment in Ishida’s gaze. Heh, Orihime knew it: simply, Ishida had a thing for Rukia. He was just way too obvious for Orihime!

Well, Ishida, no need to worry, reassured Orihime as she went through one more round of bumper cars on the way to Rukia. My operation to strengthen your bond with Rukia has no flaws. Let it begin!

“H-hey, Rukia!” Orihime called out over the buzz of the swarm, frantically waving her arms in a vain attempt to make herself louder. "Rukia! Rukia! Rukia!"

And what do you know? Rukia’s head spun around to find out the source of this obnoxious shouting.

Success! Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow, Phase One, has been accomplished with pizzazz!

“…Yeah?” Rukia took a gamble and acknowledged she knew this rambunctious girl. Sometimes, it wasn’t easy being Orihime’s friend. Especially when her eyes glowed brighter than a thousand carnivals. Like they did now.

“Can I talk to you a moment? Alone?” panted Orihime, dizzy from excitement and the rush of Phase One going off without a hitch still running strong.

“…Okay,” Rukia hesitated to consent, but Orihime’s ardour convinced her it was unwise to flee. She had been present the day Tatsuki told Orihime Santa Claus did not, in fact, exist and crushed Orihime’s hopes and dreams of getting a time machine for Christmas. That vision of innocence and optimism melting away into sorrow and dejection still gave Rukia nightmares. “But you better be quick!” added the petite one sharply, “I don’t want to be late for class again!”

Yeah, Rukia didn’t really believe telling Orihime this would actually have any effect, but she figured it couldn’t hurt to try.

Then again, judging from Orihime's insane reaction, maybe she shouldn't have bothered at all.

Oh, baby, Phase Two has been permitted for lift off! And Orihime seriously performed a bizarre dance in triumph, causing Rukia to dread what Orihime wanted to discuss in private if she could be so strange in public.

Then, much to Rukia’s horror, the students previously jostling Rukia and Orihime were suddenly hugging the walls to stay as far away from Orihime as is physically possible in response to the lunatic shuffling and twisting. But Orihime couldn’t be bothered less by those schmucks, not when her ultimate scheming was slowly coming to fruition.

Embarrassed, Rukia quickly dragged Orihime into an empty classroom.

Within the room, bright sunlight filtered through windows still cold from a chilly morning, while the curtains filled empty seats with dark shadows. There was a tranquility in the room that allowed Rukia to calm herself down…so she could properly explode.

“What is it?!” the Rukia Rocket blasted off, and the aura surrounding her was set to kill. Consequently, around a dozen students in neighbouring classrooms felt a compelling urge to use the bathroom. Indeed, the positively scary (and potentially smelly) emanation from Rukia was a powerful weapon.

Yet, a weakness exists for every weapon and Orihime just so happened to possess the natural counter to this aura: dumb ignorance.

Excitement boiled to a fever pitch in Orihime’s veins, the sheer exhilaration of completing phases of her stupendous Operation rendered anything outside her small world incomprehensible. Perhaps this…enthusiastic energy is what motivated Orihime to bring her mouth millimeters away from Rukia’s ear, or maybe it was brought about by Orihime’s marbles rattling obscenely against the clean, tiled floors. Whatever the reason, the heavy breathing against her neck freaked Rukia out and dispelled any urges to destroy.

“I have something important to tell you,” confessed Orihime in a quick, single breath. In spite of the exuberance in the sentence, a grave severity was inherently present within it that impressed itself onto Rukia’s very soul. Or maybe it was Orihime’s eyes that did that, full of conviction as they were. In either case, the mood changed dramatically.

“What?” whispered Rukia intently. All of a sudden, she had to know what Orihime wanted to say. How could it have seemed so unimportant before? This secret would alter the course of history!

“It’s about Ishida…he…” but Orihime stumbled mid-stride. What?! The attention and anticipation in Rukia’s focused and intent gaze unexpectedly became a serious roadblock for her.

Warning sirens went off. Gunshots split open society. A child screamed. No! This is nothing for Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow! resolved Orihime fiercely. Nonetheless, her mouth still imitated a fish.

“What about Ishida?” Rukia demanded rumors. There was no way Orihime could stop now; Rukia wasn’t going to miss this juicy tidbit about him if her life depended on it--which it may very well have.

Damn it! Why couldn’t Orihime do this? There’s no way she could finish Phase Three of Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow, “Tell Rukia About Ishida’s Heart,” without telling Rukia about Ishida’s heart.

Do it, Orihime! Ishida needs you to!

“…He…” Good. One word down, two to go, “he…” An image of hurt eyes persuaded her to continue, “loves you…Rukia…”

Now, Operation: Cupid’s Quincy was basically an elaborate flow chart. Phase Four, “All of Rukia’s Possible Reactions to Learning Ishida Loves Her and How to Deal With Them,” was a phase of particular importance. Accordingly, it had far more potential variations for Orihime to account for than the rest. But Orihime had considered them all! From Rukia leaping up and down in joy, to Rukia breaking down in tears of happiness, all the way to Rukia being unable to return Ishida’s affections because she was a robot (since everyone and Orihime knows robotic operating systems are incompatible with humans). The point is, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, Rukia could do that Orihime hadn’t planned for.

...Or so she thought.

For whatever reason, Rukia collapsing to the floor in a fit of giggles just wasn’t something Orihime expected. It wasn’t Orihime’s fault. Indeed, she thought Rukia had a heart…or, at the very least, the robotic equivalent of one.

Naturally, Orihime asked what every person asks when they don’t understand why someone’s laughing.

“What’s so funny?!”

Oh, but this just made Rukia descend further into her madness of laughter.

“This isn’t funny, Rukia,” reprimanded Orihime, putting her right hand on her hip and pointing down at her chortling friend with her left, “Ishida’s feelings for you are true and pure!”

Well, that did nothing to get Rukia off her funny gas, but the touch of anger in Orihime’s tone convinced the little woman to make an attempt at explaining things.

“…It’s just…he…he...” Talking between fits of laughter sure is difficult, “he…Oh, it’s just too…obvious…!”

The cackles continued.

“What is?”

Geez, could Orihime say anything without reducing Rukia to tears? But! Orihime had gotten used to Rukia laughing at her expense by this point and was able to patiently wait her out. Man, it sure was unusual for Rukia to lose control of herself like this.

“Are you serious?” baulked Rukia. Was Orihime really this slow? “Let me give you a hint: I am not the one he likes.”

“What? He’s cheating on you?!” How could Ishida do this? His lechery made Orihime furious! “Nobody treats my friends like this! I’ll find this other person he likes and give her a piece of my mind!”

“Hey, calm down!” allayed Rukia, her mouth still twitching. Orihime just had it all wrong. “You might not want to do that until you know who he really likes!”

“Well, who is it?” mumbled Orihime, still a bit miffed at Ishida’s audacity to turn his back on Rukia.

“You still haven’t guessed? It’s someone he’s known for a long time,” hinted Rukia.

But this wasn’t enough for Orihime. Two and two was adding up to five in her calculations. Why wasn’t it…?

Right! she snapped her fingers. Yesterday!

“This doesn’t explain why he looked so sad after you left him yesterday!”

“I’m not the only one who left that day, am I?” Rukia coyly resplied, carefully leading Orihime to the right answer.

Hmm, now Orihime was getting three. Something still didn’t make sense.

“But what about that dress he made for you in Soul Society? The dress is important!” declared Orihime. That was the first wedding bell ringing his love for Rukia, lest she forget.

“Oh, it is. But not the way you think it is. Think about why Ishida is so good at sewing and stuff. For God’s sake, you’re in the same club he is and should know this!” Rukia was so close now, it was hard for her not to simply name the true object of Ishida’s affections.

“…You mean…?” And the hints were finally getting through to Orihime. The limit of obliviousness as two plus two approaches four was finally getting to four!

Yes, Orihime was right on reality’s doorstep. Unexpectedly, a ray of hope entered her heart. Is that what this little tug on my heart is? Hope? It sure was! She recognized this from her old crush but never anticipated to be hope's toy once more. Hey, why was it even there? Didn’t Orihime come all this way to play matchmaker for Rukia and Ishida?

“Yes, he likes somebody with orange hair.”

Wow. That tug just became a mighty heave on the heartstrings.

Could it be that Ishida loves...Nah…But it had to be! He has to be in…! Better confirm.

“…So, he’s really in love with m-“

“Yes, with Ichigo!” finished Rukia excitedly. Her friend understood, at last! “He’s fruitier than a bowl of fru--wait, what were you going to say?”

And that shiny ray of hope pulling on her heart became a hideous burden of despair.

“Nothing,” covered up Orihime before defending the man of the hour, “and Ishida’s not gay!…Not that...that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Are you kidding? How could he be anything else?” snorted Rukia. “Take a look at him: he dresses better than I do, likes sewing, is always obsessing about Ichigo, and don’t get me started about that time he cornered me and demanded to know what kind of conditioner I use!”

“…But…no. He just doesn’t swing that way, and that’s that! He can’t be!”

Yes, there simply was not any possibility he could be gay. Because…uh, Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow depends on him not having an interest in his own team’s equipment…Yeah, that’s it.

But Rukia knew nothing about Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow, so she had to ask. “…Why not?”

A million reasons entered Orihime’s mind, all of them anxious to retort…However, she couldn’t get a single one out of her mouth. She wasn’t ready to yet.

“…Uh, I’m not…sure…?”

Needless to say, Rukia was not swayed. “Probably because he does play on that side of the baseball field.” And her comeback was merciless. Ouch.

In times of desperation in debates of great importance like this, there is always one trump card one can use to defeat the other party. Children learn it at a young age and use it even when it’s unnecessary. Most will stop relying on this method as they get older, but it is never lost in time's currents.

And Orihime certainly did not forget it:

“He does not!” screamed Orihime. Powerful sound waves tore the empty classroom's door off its hinges.

If you can’t outsmart their reasoning, just be louder than they can.

“Does too!” Rukia ripped out an uproarious yell of her own. Oh ho!

Thus, this turned into a battle of volume rather than one of pride.

“Does not!”

“Does too!”

“Does not!”

“Does too!”

Like all childish shouting matches, this one ended with one of the children saying something stupid beyond belief. In this fight, Orihime was the person behind the dumb, condemning words.

“I’ll prove he doesn’t!”

”Does too…! Huh?”


“I’ll prove to you and everyone else that he isn’t!" Orihime sternly reaffirmed herself.

But this new approach contained a serious flaw.

“Um…how?” wondered Rukia, directly attacking the Achilles' Heel of Orihime's radical and fresh idea.

Orihime hadn’t thought of how she would actually prove this.

“…I…I will…I…” stammered Orihime, now pressured into thinking things through and unprepared to do so.

“You can’t,” proclaimed Rukia.

“Yes, I can!” protested Orihime. “Just give me some time to think of a way!”

“Listen, even if you spend five lifetimes…wait, what time is it?” Rukia glanced at the clock. Five after. “We need to get to get to class! We’re late! Oh, I knew this would happen…!”

Rukia’s voice trailed off as she dashed out of the empty classroom, leaving behind a flustered Orihime.

…Except it wasn’t an empty classroom any longer.

Juveniles had been piling in for the past ten minutes, only neither Orihime nor Rukia noticed them during their intense conversation; nobody wanted to get in between them, either. Even the teacher was cowering under his desk, frightened of the crazy women apparently living in another world. While this would normally be a prime opportunity for misbehaviour, the occupants of the class were similarly cowed and sat with backs perfectly perpendicular to their seats. Not a single paper airplane flew through the room. For the first time in their lives, the students couldn’t wait for first period to begin. Better to learn than to die.

Back to Orihime, who had yet to realize her large audience. A violent storm ravaged her internally, and a dilemma that made Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow look as easy as making cereal confronted her. Furthermore, turmoil racked her heart and confusing desires made themselves known. Speaking of the operation, it had been roasted like a pig and served as a feast for crows, followed by the crows being shot and chucked into a garbage bin inhabited by bums which then ate the crows and…The point is, it didn’t work out.

Well, that’s life.

Time for Orihime to pick herself up and find a way to demonstrate to Rukia that Ishida enjoys his melons, thank you very much. No need to wallow in grief as she would have before. Regrets? We’ll have to see about those.


Classes went by in a blur.

Okay, classes always slipped past Orihime’s notice; between already knowing what the teacher was droning on about from a late night study fest, a fly on the wall being more interesting than learning, and whatever crazy imagination captured her attention, there was no way Orihime could ever concentrate on the lesson. Yes, but this time Orihime was distracted by what to do about Ishida and her outrageous declaration.

Could I dunk him in the river and see if he floats? she went through all the limey detection methods she’d heard of. No, that’s for ninjas! What about using an interior decorating magazine as bait and seeing if he picks it up? Yes, that always works but…Oh, right. I don’t have any…

As Orihime finely adjusted her gaydar, the sun hit its zenith, the bell for lunch rang, and her classmates fled to the cafeteria.

Maybe giving him a green piece of gum and seeing if his tongue will turn blue…like a pregnancy test…The ideas became increasingly ludicrous…Or what about getting a squirrel, a stapler, an encyclopedia and using them to--

“…Are you going to eat, Inoue?”

A question disrupted her thought process.

“I’m not going to eat a squirrel!” spouted Orihime in response. Wait, nobody asked her if she was going to dine on roadkill.

…So it was probably Orihime’s own fault that the lanky, bespectacled boy that waited for her looked so dumbstruck.

“…I…never said anything about a…” stumbled Ishida, at a loss to explain himself.

And Orihime went red. Whoops.

“Ah, forget I said that!” pleaded Orihime.

Again, the two shared an awkward silence while the rest of the school faded away. Fine, they felt like the only two people in the classroom this time because they were the only two. Still, that special, adolescent tension had to mean something…!

Or maybe it was only Orihime blundering after speaking to the man she just spent an entire morning thinking about. Or could it be...?

“Are you feeling all right, Inoue? It’s not like you to miss out on lunchtime,” commented Ishida, concerned. Any previous abnormality had been forgotten by him, since he could not have possibly been forgiven it. Men.

Wait, how did he know that? Oh. Right, Orihime’s zany lunch antics were legendary.

“Oh, I’m fine…was just a little distracted,” clarified Orihime, feeling a little nervous. What if Ishida learned what she was thinking this morning? Or something worse?

“Well, perhaps you--”

“Come on, Orihime! Let’s eat!” yelled a feminine voice, interrupting whatever Ishida was about to say.

One of Orihime’s friends…Chizuru.

“Coming!” Orihime hollered back, then turned to Ishida. How to end this weird discussion? “Uh…bye.” Slick.

Ishida nodded and gave her a little wave goodbye before she looked away and left for dinner.

Though Orihime couldn’t see him after she got into the hallway, she knew he must have that unhappy expression on his face again. She needed to hurry up and think of a way to do something about his love life!


When the epiphany on how to prove Rukia wrong about how Ishida likes his bananas split struck Orihime like a lightning bolt, it surprised her. Not because such sudden inspirations of genius were rare for her--though they certainly were uncommon--but because it was so simple.

How could I not have thought of this sooner? she pondered for a second, although it was obvious why it hadn’t crossed her mind before in later retrospect. Perhaps even more shocking than the revelation was the fact she was going to go through with this solution.

To bring people up to speed, Orihime had this moment of brilliance in the middle of her, uh, "ordinary" lunch.

Her zombification began immediately after this key realization.

Yes, it's so easy to show everybody Ishida is not that way but, at the same time, it isn’t going to be easy to show everybody Ishida was not like that…Which makes little to absolutely no sense.

Friends spoke to Orihime. Faces of anxiety smeared into her retinas. Words of worry pierced her ears white. Arms gripped her shoulders and shook, asking if anybody was in there. Blue skies overhead shone on like some crazy diamond, promising sweet lies of a warm winter.

However, Orihime could feel none of this; steeling her resolve stole all of her utmost concentration. Hence the whole zombification thing.

There’s no other way. There’s no other way. There’s no other way. There’s no other way. There’s no other way. Orihime repeated this to herself endlessly to justify her decision. There’s no other way. There’s no other way. There’s no other way…

Or was she saying this to herself? Her friends looked at her oddly, as though she was acting odd--err, even odder than Orihime regularly acts. Wait, are those my friends? The people around her looked more like the chumps from her classroom. I must have gotten away from the rooftop and down to class…Yeah, she did and her friends had followed her, and were now sending nervous glances in her direction from their seats. At least, she thought they were. You know, zombie.

There’s no other way. There’s no other way. There’s no other way. There’s no other way…

More importantly than friends that may or may not be giving her worried looks, Orihime now stood before Ishida.

His desk was currently beside a window, which allowed beams of sunlight to shimmer across his glasses as he gazed outside. Shortly after he heard slow, shuffling footsteps and a bizarre muttering, Ishida had whipped his head around to see a redheaded, sweating, demented effigy of a human being.

“Inoue!” he squawked. She looked very sick. “What’s happened to you…? You didn't eat a s-squirrel, did you?!”

…There’s no other way. There’s no other way…!

The frenzied woman bent over so her eyes would be level with Ishida’s, then put her hands on his shoulders.

Inches separated them.

“I’m sorry, Ishida,” gulped Orihime. No way she wouldn’t do it now. “But there’s no other way...”

All eyes were on Ishida and Orihime now. Pithy banter ceased, the teacher stopped preparations to start class to watch the two; everyone was aware something was going to occur. Something huge.

“Wha--” But Ishida never finished that word, despite it being only a single syllable.

However, he could not care less about that now.

Because Orihime had suddenly closed the gap between them and enveloped him in a smothering kiss.

Jaws smashed through the floor in waves and a loud, collective gasp from the class shattered all the glass.

The lips were united for only a brief while before a tongue from Orihime’s side threatened to invade enemy territory. Resistance from Ishida was weak and soon his tongue was entertaining a foreign visitor. Yet, Orihime’s tongue had hardly become an Ishidian Citizen before her mouth was subjected to a fierce counterattack by the opposition, which was welcomed with open arms…err, lips.

Ishida’s tongue was just becoming familiar there when it was kicked out and left hanging in the air, lonely. Exhausted by the experience and asphyxiated by oxygen depletion, the man momentarily collapsed into the land of dreams.

His fellow students stared, still disbelieving what they witnessed.

Meanwhile, Orihime--after regaining her own breath--had jumped onto Ishida’s desk and now gestured to him and pointed to the entire classroom; at the same time, no less! An expression of victory made her orange-framed, slightly pink face beautiful.

“See!” Orihime announced. “This man is definitely--without a doubt!--not gay!”

The students’ chins, already part of the floor below, fell another level. Nobody could say anything for a solid minute.

Eventually, Rukia recovered and shouted what everyone wanted to tell Orihime.

“It doesn’t work that way! This doesn’t prove anything!”

“What? Are you sure about that?” Orihime had good reason to believe otherwise.

Thirty voices cried as one. “Yes!”

Drool fell out of Ishida’s mouth, who was still dazed from the kiss and couldn’t respond to the charges against his manhood on his own behalf.

“But I thought some powerful, divine force kept people like…that--not that there’s anything wrong with them--from kissing straight people,” objected Orihime.

It happened to her whenever Chizuru tried kissing her, pulling her away in the nick of time.

“That’s me!” shrieked Tatsuki, the one who had always kept Orihime’s--no-longer--virgin lips pure.

“Oh,” Orihime pursed those lips, giving this consideration. A conclusion was reached. “So, there was no reason for me to kiss Ishida?”

The man in question stirred.

“Yes!” screeched a room simultaneously, somehow a whole decibel higher than the last time. All held conviction Ishida did not bend like normal men.

Finally, Ishida returned to consciousness. No more abuse could be taken. The words spoken processed inside him, and he was quick to offer defence for himself.

“I-I’m not gay!” he denied. Yeah, it was pretty weak.

Thus, the jury did not respond favourably.

“Coulda fooled me!”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Yeah right!”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy.”

“Why do all the good ones have to like other men?!”

The verdict for Case 403315, “Ishida Uryuu’s Sexuality,” was in: Homosexual. Yikes, even the teacher agreed with the judgment.

Nonetheless, one woman believed in him. A woman standing on top of his desk right now. Orihime. Oh, and his words convinced her what she knew all along; that Ishida loved Rukia. After the insane kiss, all the confusion vanished and it was clear where her heart belonged. She loved Ishida…Again, after promising never again after my crush on Ichigo died…Why did all the guys she like have to fall for Rukia?! Not that she blamed Rukia for any of this. Hell, she had already forgiven her. Rukia was just one of those people you could never blame, even if she slaughtered your brother. So, in sadness, Orihime reactivated Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow...

She got off her loved one’s desk and addressed Rukia. Tears streaked down her cheek.

“…Hear that, Rukia?” she sobbed, “Ishida loves you, just like I said! Now, I know you a-a-already have a boyfriend and all, but I’m sure you can make room for t-two, if a…anyone c-can…”


A certain Quincy needs to be elaborated upon now.

To say the least, this Quincy was having a really bad day. It all began with him being a minute late for first period, and that never suited well in this archer’s books. Well, technically, he was four minutes early, but Ishida was normally seated and ready to learn five minutes before the bell rang. Next, this Quincy had a sneaking suspicion he made a little error on his English test that could cost him his three-digit average. Math class was fine…until the teacher made a mistake and Kunieda corrected the short man before he could. That sucked. Then there was History and…okay, nothing terrible happened there. But when is History class ever good? Yeah, History is always lame! Later, Ishida had a steamy kiss with a hottie cut criminally short, followed by having his sexuality humiliated by the entire school body.

But none of these nuisances compared to the ultimate insult Orihime just gave him.

Yes, hearing the woman of your dreams say you love somebody else was ultimately what made Ishida’s day hit rock bottom. As a result, this Quincy Archer was fucking pissed off!...Not that Rukia is anything less than a wonderful, caring, and beautiful woman who does not look fat in that dress; she just wasn't the one for Ishida.

About the one he loved, she was still babbling incoherently to a highly mortified Rukia when Ishida abruptly stood up, mad. Very mad.

“Stop right there, Inoue!” he ordered, angry steam fogging his lenses and his right arm signaling her to stop. Surprisingly, she did (Rukia would later thank him profusely for doing so). So did the tears. Cool.

Whew, did Ishida ever scare the piss out of everybody. He was just that furious. Damn, Keigo even crapped his pants. Years later, everybody would agree it was a miracle the vein on his forehead didn’t burst. Back in the present, though, they were frightened witless. It looked like a bomb was about to go off!

Except, Orihime didn’t look alarmed. For whatever reason, her gut told her there was no reason to back away from that fervour behind his glasses. That she should trust in it…Yes, she was mesmerized by it…

Though not enough to miss what Ishida wanted to tell her.

“Now you can call me gay…” the lad began, and no one dared do so now--though they all still thought he wanted to do weird things with cues and pool balls. “Call me a coward, say I’m not good enough, imply that I want to wear that girly sweater I’m knitting--which I don’t! None of that bothers me. But if you say I love a woman who isn’t the one I want, there’ll be hell to pay!”

That look he gave her during the whole mini-speech told Orihime something …Exactly what she wanted and needed to hear.

Heh. Operation: Cupid’s Quincy Arrow? Forget it.

“…Who is the one you…love then, Ishida?” Orihime knew the answer by this point. She just wanted to hear him say it.

Students leaned in; this was getting intense. School was past being forgotten…it was clear no learning would be accomplished today. The teacher…hell, she hated her job and the damn punks that were supposed to be the future. If she had her way, she would be at home watching her soap operas. For her, this was like watching a live taping and she loved every minute of it.

A pause. Ishida gathered his breath to speak. Students drew even closer. The teacher wrote an excuse for the principal to explain why she didn’t teach anything that day. Orihime’s heart pounded louder every beat. Anticipation flew past its boiling point. Thump thump. Time stood still.

Thump thump.

And Ishida roared a single word at Orihime in a thunderous peal that rocked the school to its very foundations.


No Regrets


That’s the end of this one! Boy, I never imagined I’d end up writing this story twice. Personally, I think the second outing is superior to the first, but I can’t really compare them now. The characters are just as out of character in this one, though. Ha.

I hope those still reading had a blast. Because reading is supposed to entertain and educate, and there’s no way you learned something from this silly story.

Catch any spelling errors? Please inform me of them

Tags: ishihime fic contest
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