andrew_jp (andrew_jp) wrote in bleachness,

Gift fic: "Three Deaths of Nnoitra"

An early Halloween treat? A birthday present to myself? Call it what you like, but I've written this little fanfic. I hope it isn't too awful.

Three Deaths of Nnoitra
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of the other series in the fic, and I'm not making any money from this work.
Rating: M/R for violence and swearing.

#1-The Quick

Nnoitra planted the handle of his zanpakutou in the ground and surveyed the surrounding wasteland. Seeing no one, he grunted and muttered "So where the hell is this idiot, anyway?"

As if in answer, the great false sky was ripped asunder, great pieces of stone and clouds of dust falling to the ground.

"Flashy entrance, huh,?" Nnoitra yelled as he shielded his eye from the dust. "That shit ain't gonna scare me you dumb bas-What the fuck!"

The dust had cleared enough for the Espada to see, and he stared at his foe in disbelief. Then he stared up at his foe, and then further up. Before him was a samurai, or at least something that looked like a samurai, save that it was made of metal and hundreds of feet tall.

"What? Who the fuck are you supposed to be?" Nnoitra finally managed to sputter out.

The machine gestured at the arrancar with a katana that matched its scale as the pilot spoke: "My name is Sanger! Sanger Zonvolt! The sword that smites evil!"

With that, the weapon in the robot's hand transformed, with a flashes of lighting becoming a broadsword that was twice the length as the metal samurai was tall. With a loud cry the machine leapt into the sky, vanishing through the hole it had made into the dark sky of Hueco Mundo.

The Espada blinked repeatedly, not entirely sure that what he had just seen had actually happened. "The fuck was that about?" he wondered aloud.

His question was quickly answered as he caught sight of Sanger's machine with its sword raised, descending quickly-very quickly, in fact. Nnoitra had barely enough time to realize what was happening.


"One chop, two halves!" With a mighty crash Sanger brought his colossal blade down, cleaving the Espada in twain in a single stroke! After a brief pause, the robot rose from its crouching position and posed, brandishing the sword. "There is nothing I cannot cut!" the pilot declared triumphantly.

Tesla, who had wisely been watching from a long way off, sighed in annoyance. "And people give our franchise flack for Freudian symbology..."

"That's nothing. You should see Guy Shishiou's hammer."

The fraccion jumped in surprise and turned, seeing a man with long golden hair, black goggles, and pink fur-lined leather jacket. "Who are you?"

"Me? I am the shadow of justice."

"You didn't really answer the question..."

#2-The Ironic

Nnoitra planted the handle of his zanpakutou in the ground and surveyed the surrounding wasteland. Seeing no one, he grunted and muttered "So where the hell is this idiot, anyway?"

"I'm sure I don't know, sir," Tesla answered.

"Don't get sarcastic with me if you wanna live."

"Yes, Nnoitra-sama."

A minute passed with no activity. Nnoitra hefted his zanpakutout onto his shoulders and started walking. "Fuck this," he said, "if the victim ain't showin' up I'm gonna go back to my cham-" He cut himself off midsentence, freezing in midstep as he did so.

"Nnoitra-sama? Is something I wrong?"

Instead of replying, the Espada shifted his zanpakutou into both hands and then held it against his throat.

Tesla gasped and started towards his master, but it was too late. With a jerk of his arms Nnoitra cut through his neck, and his body fell forward as the severed head tumbled onto the ground.

About a minute earlier

"...with his own weapon," the teenage girl said as she finished writing. "Now, for the hard part." She carefully and precisely wrote "Nnoitra" in Roman letters in the space she had left blank behind the cause of death.

With a satisfied sound she shut the Death Note. "That should teach that big jerk! Light-sama would be proud of Misa-Misa, right, Rem?"

He'd probably consider it gratuitous and unnecessary, thought Rem, but aloud she just said "I wouldn't know of such things."

"He would, he would! Misa-Misa knows!"


#3-The Gruesome

Nnoitra planted the handle of his zanpakutou in the ground and surveyed the surrounding wasteland. Seeing his foe, he leered and said "A woman? Tch, this is gonna be a fuckin' cakewalk? Don't think I'm gonna make this fast just becase I'm so much stronger than you, neither."

The woman wordlessly took a silver case out of her pocket, removed a thin cigar, lit the cigar, and took a long drag. Only then did Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing deign to say "You remind me of an annoying idiot I met a while ago. He's a pile of ash now. Alucard, would you take out the trash?"

"You needn't even have asked, Master. I was just about to start tearing him apart myself."

The red-coated vampire stepped from behind Integra and into Nnoitra's view. If he hadn't started fighting before his master's command, he had at least already begun a creepy grin contest with the arrancar.

"Sir Integra! Will you be needing any fire support?" asked Seras, Alucard's young apprentice vampire

She turned her head to address the fledgling. "No, that won't be necessary. You can stand down, Officer Victoria."

"You mean I lugged this thing all the way here for nothing?" she muttered while glancing at the enormous Harkonnen cannon beside her, before addressing a crisp "Yes, sir!" to her commander.

Suddenly Tesla appeared next to Seras and grabbed her arm. She gave a startled yelp and cried "What the hell d'you think you're doing?"

"I've been holding a large-chested woman captive for so many chapters's sort of become a habit," the fraccion explained, seeming a bit embarrased,

"O...kay," Seras said, before grabbing his arm and throwing him down into a painful looking hold.

"Officer Victoria!" Integra snapped. "Don't hurt him too badly."

"Er, how bad is too bad, Sir Integra?"

"Hm..." Integra took another drag from the cigar before answering. "Just don't kill him, or damage his face."

"Can-do, sir!"



Integra turned to look back at the battle. During the interlude, Nnoitra had already cut the Hellsing Ace's head off. "Is that all ya got?" he jeered. "Now I'm gonna go fuck up that b-"

He was interrupted by the headless body raising a pair of guns and firing them into the Espada's chest at point-blank range. Nnoitra howled in pain and dashed away, as Alucard's severed head turned to mist and reconstituted itself on his neck. He was way ahead in the creepy grin contest as he said "I can't ignore such grievous insults against my Master! Beg for mercy before you are devoured!"

Nnoitra just sneered at the vampire. "Look at ya! Takin's orders from a woman! What sorta warrior would allow himself to be brought so low!"

Alucard's face suddenly became much more serious, and his voice took a low and dangerous-sounding tone as he declared "That woman there is a thousand times the warrior you could ever hope to be. You're garbage."

"Shut the fuck up!" Nnoitra screamed as he leapt at the vampire, bringing his zanpakutou down to cut through him. Instead, Alucard moved forward and caught the handle with his left hand, while with his right he grabbed Nnoitra's upper arm. Immediately the insane grin returned to his face; his grip tightened, and with a single yank he tore Nnoitra's left arm from his body.

"Gnk! Gah! How dare you!"

"Oh? Is that so bad? A comrade of yours got along for a while with a similar injury, didn't he?"

"Don't compare me to a weakling like him! I'm stronger! I'm higher ranked!" Nnoitra stuck out his tongue to display the 5 tattooed there, an act he quickly came to regret as Alucard's hand reached out and grabbed it.

"Heh. This only one of the smaller mistakes you've made today." He pulled the tongue upward so hard it tore off against the Espada's teeth. Alucard lifted the severed muscle over his mouth and drank from the flowing blood as Nnoitra howled in pain. The vampire looked down at him in disgust. "Look at yourself! Rolling on the ground shamelessly in front of an enemy! What sort of warrior could be brought so low? I'm going to end this before you make me sick."

Alucard's arm transformed into the head of monstrous dog, it's many eyes and slavering jaws directed at the arrancar below. A final scream of terror was muffled as the hellhound tore apart and devoured Nnoitra.

"Did you have fun?" Integra asked as Alucard's body returned to its human form.

"Oh yes, Master."

"Good. We're leaving. Release him, Officer Victoria."

"Yes Sir!"


"Can we stay longer? I wanted to tear off Ulquiorra Schiffer's head and make into a jack-o'-lantern."

"Don't be ridiculous, Alucard. What would we do with a jack-o'-lantern in London?"


If anyone asks I'll post links for characters or references they didn't understand.
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