Юлия (yulieana) wrote in bleachness,

A Crack Bleach fanfic

I wrote this a while ago but I don't think I've ever posted it here. So, due to the latest episode and the fandom mourning the death of Ulquiorra again, I thought all of us needed a little laugh.

Title: Of Hollows and Azeroth
Rating: T

Overview: Bleach characters play World of Warcraft.  If you've never played it, you might not understand it very well.

Has a little bit of UlquiHime and IchiRuki.

It was 1 pm on a Sunday afternoon. The Winter War was finally over, and everyone was looking forward to a long era of peace. However, not everything was entirely peaceful in Karakura town, as the residents in Orihime's building often heard the sounds of battle coming from her apartment.

"Hurry up, woman! Or I'm going to start this quest without you!"

"Oh, wait for me, Ulqui-kun!" Orihime yelled from the kitchen, clumsily pouring the drinks for the two of them.

After Ulquiorra was brought back as a human, Soul Society graciously placed him into Ichigo's care. But Ichigo already had his house full of sisters, a dumbass of a father, and a loud mouthed freeloader who constantly smacked him around. Ichigo had no time for this shit, so he handed Ulquiorra over to whoever was willing to take him. So here he was, freeloading at Orihime's apartment instead, and learning how to dispose of "trash" in the virtual reality.

"Woman! Heal me!"

"Hai! Soten Kisshun..!"

"What are you doing? Heal HIM!" He pointed at the character on his computer screen.

"Oops! Sorry, Ulqui-kun!"

She sat in front of the second computer and logged on to her WoW account. Ulquiorra played as an Undead Death Knight, and she chose a Blood Elf Priest. Healing was always her motto, so she did not mind, while he smashed everything around them. Even in a video game, his fighting skill was impressively good. And she was sometimes jealous, because she secretly wanted to re-spec to shadow and kick some ass for a change.

She heard a knock on the door and went to open it. Ichigo and Ishida came in.

"How is it going, Kurosaki-kun? Ishida-kun!"

"Oh, hi Inoue. We came to show you something." Ichigo said. "There is this cool game we wanted to play, and we thought you would be interested too." he got a copy of WoW out of his backpack.

"What are you babbling about?" They heard Ulquiorra's voice. "She is already playing it with me."

"That's right, Kurosaki-kun, Ulquiorra is such a good tank! I never even get hit!"

"What's he playing as?"

"A Death Knight."

"Big surprise there…" Ichigo mumbled to himself.

"But, the expansion just came out four days ago! You can't play a Death Knight unless you have a level 55 character!" Ishida said in disbelief.

"You see, Ishida-kun, we found some nice Chinese people who offered to level a character for Ulqui-kun, so he can make a Death Knight."

Facepalm. This guy was freaken unbelievable.

"You actually paid a Chinese power leveler to do it for you?"

"Ulquiorra didn't want to play as anyone other than a Death Knight."

"All of the other characters are trash." Ulquiorra said without turning from the screen.

Ichigo and Ishida glanced at each other.

"Ahem…so, are you at least playing Alliance?" Ichigo asked hopefully. "Cuz, I really wanted to make a Human Paladin. Their protection spec is awesome!"

"Oh, no! Ulqui-kun does not like humans. And I really wanted to make a cute Blood Elf." Orihime beamed, pointing at the screen, "See? Espadasgirl even has my hair color! Isn't she cute?"

Espadasgirl? Facepalm. "That's an...interesting name for a character, Inoue."

Orihime smiled. Ulquiorra continued staring at the screen.

"Ulquiorra," Ichigo asked looking at it from behind his shoulder, "Why are there two I's in your character's name?"

"Because some trash on this server already stole it!"

Ichigo and Ishida exchanged glances again. There is more than one Ulquiorra?

"I guess we'll play Horde too since you guys started it. So we can all have fun together."

"That'll be so great, Kurosaki-kun! That way we can quest together, do instances together…"

"Gank on human trash together…" Ulquiorra muttered under his breath.

Ichigo and Ishida facepalmed in unison. He is not even trying to hide it.

"Ulqui-kun is so good at battlegrounds too! We were in Alterac valley the other day, and a bunch of gnomes tried to kill me, he summoned his wall of zombies and it ate all of them! Isn't that great?"

"Those gnomes were trash."

"Alright, alright!" Ichigo laughed sheepishly, "We will be going now cuz we need to catch up to you guys. Rukia and Renji are looking forward to it too."

A month later….somewhere in Kalimdor

An Undead Death Knight named Ulquiiorra sat proudly on his skeletal steed, looking into the distance in silent anticipation. A Blood Elf by the name of Espadasgirl was /kiss (ing), /flirt (ing), and /dance (ing) in front of him. He pretended to ignore her little eccentricities and continued waiting. They promised to be here on their first instance run together. That damn trash was late.

He finally saw a figure in the distance riding towards him. An Orc Warrior. As he came closer, Ulquiiora was able to read the name above his head. Ichithing.

"Oh, look Ulqui-kun! It's Kurosaki-kun!"

"I see..."

"Hi guys! Sorry, I'm late. I was helping Renji tame a monkey in Strenglethorn Vale!" /yell (ed) Ichithing.

"Is he coming too?" Espadasgirl asked excitedly.

"There he is!" Ichithing said /point (ing) at a Troll hunter heading their way.

"Zabimaru is so cute!" exclaimed Espadasgirl trying to /pet it.

"It was such a pain getting him. I was so pissed I was about to go Ban Kai!" Ichithing grumbled.

Zabimaru scratched himself.

"You can't use Ban Kai in WoW." Ulquiiorra said matter-of-factly.

"But you told me there is a hero class!" Ichithing yelled.

"That's a Death Knight."

"So you can use Ban Kai?"

"No…." Ulquiiorra was trying hard not to facepalm himself. "I don't have a Ban Kai, and you can't use it in a video game."

"Ulqui-kun is so smart!" exclaimed Espadasgirl.

"But…I wanted to use Ban Kai…" Ichigo hung his head in defeat.

I knew humans were stupid.

"ANYWAYS….Rukia should be here any minute." Fukutaicho interrupted them.

"Hi guys!" yelled a female Tauren shaman coming up behind them, with "Shirayuki" written above her head.

"Wow, what big horns you have." /laugh (ed) Espadasgirl.

"Ain't that cool? Check out my hoofs!"

"You are one cute cow!" Ichigo tried to /flirt.

Shirayuki blushed /shy (ly).

"Who are we missing?" asked Fukutaicho.

"The Quincy." Ulquiiorra said staring into space.

"That would be me."

A Blood Elf mage stood in front of them by the name of "Quincy".

"Ishida-kun! You're a Blood Elf too! How cute!"

"I wanted to have matching outfits with you, Inoue-san." replied Quincy.

Espadagirl /cheer (ed) in response.

"Everyone looks so cool!"

Ichithing /roar (ed) in agreement, Fukutaicho /bow (ed), Espadasgirl /clap (ed) her hands excitedly, Quincy shot an Ice Spear into a wandering lizard, and Ulquiiorra continued to silently ignore them, yet secretly wishing they would cease their idle banter and give him something to kill.

"Who are we missing?"

"We are all here!"

"Where are we going?"

"The six of us can't go into a normal instance. So we have to form a raid."

"We need 10 people for that."

"Why doesn't Ulquiiorra call Hueco Mundo and ask Grimmjow to come?"

"They have WoW in Hueco Mundo?"

"They did, last time I heard. And it was a big hit with the Arrancars."


"I'm telling ya, man, all of the Arrancars are psyched about the Death Knights."

All eyes turned to Ulquiiorra.

He turned his head away and started dialing 1-800-Las-Noches.

Hello! You've reached Las Noches, for the Espada hotline press 1….

Five minutes later they had another Blood Elf Death Knight join them, by the name of Juggernaut.

"Now we have seven. Let's get one more and go."

"Didn't Luppi want to come?" Ichithing asked Juggernaut.

"Nah, he is watching Days of Our Lives with Zommari. But I can ask Nel."

"WE ARE FULL ON DEATH KNIGHTS!" everyone yelled in unison.

"Psh, relax, she is playing as a rogue!"

Another five minutes passed.

"Itsygo! I've missed yooouuuuuu." Bawabawa /yell (ed), a female Blood Elf rogue, running to him with open arms.

Ichithing hid behind Shiroyuki for cover.

Bawabawa turned her head sideways looking for Ichithing.

Hiding behind a giant cow proved to be effective.

"Finally! We are all here. Let's go!"

A few seconds ticked.

"Um, where are we going?"




"Let's pawn Karazhan." Juggernaut suggested.

"Oh, great idea! I really want the mace from the big lady!" said Espadasgirl.

"I'm rolling on it too!" yelled Fukutaicho.

"But it's not a hunter's weapon!"

"…………….it's not?"

"Abarai! L2P!"

Damn huntard.

Group /nod.


After some intense traveling on zeppelins and flying on windriders, they have finally reached the gates of Karazhan….twenty minutes later.

"Dude, whose decision was it to meet up in Thunderbluff?"




Pathetic trash, wasting my time.



"Ok! Whose tanking?"

"I will." said Ichithing. "I just respeced!"

"Juggernaut will off-tank."

"Oh, hello no! I came here to kick some ass, not to be a piñata!"

The next 10 minutes was spent on arguing about who will tank, heal, and do buffs.

Ichighing yelled at Juggernaut, Juggernaut yelled back at Ichithing. Quincy yelled at both of them. Espadasgirl stood quietly and listened to them yelling at each other. Bawabawa ran around in circles yelling "Itsygo!" Fukutaicho and Shirayuki repeatedly facepalmed themselves, and Ulquiiorra wished he was somewhere else.

"What if Ulqui-kun off-tanks?" Espadasgirl finally said.

Juggernaut and Ichithing stopped arguing and turned their heads to her in unison.

"I am not speced for tanking."

"That's right! Ulqui-kun does so much damage, that he is not good for it!"




Sweat drop.

"Fine. I'll tank." Juggernaut grumbled begrudgingly. "You better not steal my agro." He eyed Ulquiiora suspiciously.

Ulquiiorra looked away in silent dignity.

"Ok! I'm gonna mark the targets. Watch you agro, DKs." Ichighing said.

I'm not holding back on trash.

"Hey, who made you the leader?"

"I'm the tank…."


"Tanks, mark targets…."



"Alright then!" Ichithing put the marks. "First skull, then X."

Group /nod.

Ichithing rushed in first, trying to throw sunders on the ghosts. Jaggernaut and Ulquiiorra followed. Quicy stood behind casting ice bolts. Espadasgirl and Shirayuki threw heals on Ichithing, Fukutaicho nuked the trash with arrows, and Bawabawa snuck from behind.

Blood strike, heart strike, eviscerate, boom boom boom. One after another the mobs fell. Jaggernaut and Ulquiiora were barely alive.

"Ulqui-kun! You better watch your agro, we can't spend too much mana on healing you, when Kurosaki-kun is tanking!"

"Hmph. Good tanks don't die."

"That's my line!"


"Quiet down you two."


"Alright already!"


"Everyone SHUT UP!"


Boss time.

"OK! I'll tank him here. Then he summons his horse. Jaggernaut will off tank it. When he is at 20% he will mount it. Everyone got it?"

Group /nod.

Ichithing rushed in.

They huffed and puffed for several minutes, finally getting the boss on his horse. One moment he was pounding on Ichithing, the next he switched to Ulquiiorra.

"Watch your agro, dude."

"Don't die, Ulqui-kun!"

They are all trash.

"Stop hitting him you moron!"

"He needs to feel despair."


The boss continued pounding on him, Espadasgirl desperately tried to keep his health up. Suddenly, the boss switched agro and went after her. She died in two strikes. Ulquiiorra was next, followed by Quincy, and Fukutaicho.


"Dude….you killed us."



"Let's try it again."

A few minutes later, after everyone resurrected.

"Maybe I should get my monkey out." said Fukutaicho.

"How is that gonna help?"

"I don't know…"


Fukutaicho summoned his pet.

"Everyone's buffed up?"

Group /nod.

"Agro. DKs."


Ichithing went after the boss again.

"Howl Zabimaru!"


"Ooops….my bad, habit."

"You fools are wasting too much time!"


"No spamming during the boss fight!"


"Everyone stay behind me!"

"We ARE standing behind you!"

"This dude is dead this time!"


"Damn, I'm missing a stamina buff."


Zabimaru scratched himself.

"Abarai, put your monkey away. It's annoying."

"Ulqui-kun, your agro is high again!"




"Watch your agro or I'll slap you again " Espadasgirl whispered to Ulquiiorra.


"I'm out of mana!"

The boss switched to Ulquiiorra again.

"Stop hitting him!"


Group wipe.




"You're paying for my repair bill, asshole!"

"Incompetent fools."

Espadasgirl came up to Ulquiiorra and /slap (ed) him.

"Ha Ha! Ulquiiorra got pawned!"

"Ulqui-kun, I told you!"

"Hmph. I'm done with this."

"Fine! We don't need you."

"Come with me, woman."

Ulquiiorra DCed.

"Alrighty then! Now we can finally down him without that show off!"

Group /nod.

"Excuse me, Kurosaki-kun, but I have to go too."

"Why is that?"

"Um…it's sushi night tonight, and Ulqui-kun hates waiting."


"Bye everyone! Good luck!"


Espadasgirl DCed.

"Ok, let's do it again!

"Dude….we just lost our main healer."




  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded