Genre/Pairings/Summary: 11th division shenanigans/Can "What is this I don't even…" be a genre?
Rating: This is pretty PG.
Note: I swear I wrote this with the Valentine's Day contest and prompt in mind. So I apologize for the distinct non-Valentine's-ness of the whole thing.
Yumichika was inconsolable. Inconsolable wasn't a word that got used much around the 11th division. Three-quarters of its members only shifted between the basic emotions of hungry, sleepy, horny and "ready for a fight" (good luck if you were around for the wrong combination of those feelings). The other three-quarters didn't know the meaning of the word. The 11th division also wasn't very good at math.
The lieutenant was one of the first to notice. "What's wrong with Feathers?" She leaned over a sleeping Kenpachi, inches from his face.
"How the hell am I supposed to know? Ask Ikkaku." Kenpachi ignored Yachiru and went back to his nap.
Ikkaku was indifferent. Now this was a feeling that actually fit well with the 11th division way of life. The number of members who could define the word was still low, but there were any number of things the 11th division was indifferent to. Pain. Blood. Rules. Cries for mercy from 4th division members who "looked at them funny". But being indifferent to the suffering of your oldest friend was callous even by their standards. The fact that Yachiru had found him in the bathhouse may have added a touch of irritation to the indifference.
"I don't know what's wrong with Yumi. He's probably upset over some fruity, girly shit. Now can you let me finish my bath?" Ikkaku waved his hand as if to shoo his lieutenant away.
"Uh huh." She took one last look down before bouncing off. "You really are bald everywhere, Pachinko Head!" The sounds of angry sputtering followed her all the way to the next division.
"Nemu! What's wrong with Feathers?" Nemu was so smart. Surely she would know!
"I don't know. Shall I study him?" She had packed a bag with three syringes, two test tubes, a scalpel and forceps before she realized Yachiru had lost interest and wandered off.
"Byakushi! What's wrong with Feathers?" The captain reached into his left desk drawer to produce a sucker that would have put Willy Wonka to shame. He didn't even miss a stroke on his paperwork. Yachiru moved on, fully distracted by her infusion of sugar.
"Hey, Pencil! What's wrong with Feathers?" There was a flash of pink as she bounded through Ishida's bedroom window.
"Why are you talking to me? How did you even get here?" Yachiru really knew how to bring out the sputtering in a man.
"Silly, I came here because Ikkaku said that Yumi was upset about some fruity, girly sh-"
She didn't see what he was getting so worked up about, but she left. He wasn't being any fun, anyway.
She brought the issue to the next meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association. "Confidentially," Rangiku leaned in closer to Yachiru, "I heard something about a breakup."
Now they were getting somewhere!
Yachiru returned to Ikkaku. "Who did Feathers break up with?"
Again, there was sputtering. "What- How- Why are you asking me?!"
Yachiru sighed. Well, there was only one thing left to do. She went straight to the inconsolable source, finding him at his desk, finishing up the reports that the lieutenant and captain certainly weren't doing.
"Hey, Feathers!" She landed in the middle of the desk, smearing ink across something that was probably important.
"Don't look at me! I'm so ugly!" Yumichika hid his head in his arms.
Yachiru just poked at the top of his head. "Who did you break up with?"
Now there was wailing to accompany the hiding. "It's my hairdresser! I questioned her use of brushes. Now she refuses to see me anymore!"
Yachiru nodded wisely. "You should go to Pachinko Head's hairdresser. I'll bet you'd look really pretty with a shiny head!" Problem solved, Yachiru bounced off with the sound of Yumichika's even louder wails following her through the division barracks. At least it wasn't sputtering.