oh gallant piglet, (aizome) wrote in bleachness,
oh gallant piglet,
aizome
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A Different Sort of Shipping Essay

Hello, dear Bleach fans. We are all aware of the overwhelming phallic imagery in this series, as well as ginormous boobs. But did you know Kubo is also a closet slasher? Well, HE TOTALLY IS. I have gone through the entire existing manga collecting evidence. Swords and prison towers are too obvious, so I did not include those. What evidence I found was in the form of rock formations, rubble, explosions, and even smoke. Who does Kubo REALLY ship? Click the cut to find out!



Originally I had a grand total of fifty pieces of evidence. But to be kind to users of slow-loading internet, I picked out sixteen of what I believe to be the best examples. Here we go!

Bet you didn't know the Dangai (path connecting the living world to Soul Society) is FULL OF PENISES. Don't believe me? LOOK AT THIS:



And we all know what happened next: Ishida was grabbed! Clearly the Quincy is so hot even strange mystical penises can't wait to have him.

Next, we visit the Shiba home. No outlines are needed to point out the obvious: Kuukaku's dick is bigger than yours. Possibly everyone's.




Moving on, we discover the first ship in Kubo's harbor: RenIchi. Proof of Renji's massive boner for Ichigo:




Then we get a flashback, proving what we already knew: Kubo ships UraIchi:




Later on, we discover Chad's one long weakness, and proof that the Eighth Division Captain likes big teenage boys:




And we see proof that Kenpachi really IS one gigantic phallus:




This needs no explanation. Too bad Ishida didn't run when he had the chance:




Much later in the story, we see Edorad fighting Ikkaku. Madarame's bankai is revealed to be not a dragon, but a gigantic flaming cock:




And Lisa is not the only Vaizard who is a great big pervert:




A shocking discovery about Ishida Ryuuken, which as it turns out, is not at all shocking:




Meanwhile, Ichigo goes to Hueco Mundo. And meets yet another man who sports a boner for him: a great big flaming Privaron Espada named Doldonie:




But where, you might ask, is the shipping proof? All we've had so far is one-night ships! That is, until we meet a character named Grimmjow. More precisely, Pantera:







So it's official! GRIMMICHI IS KUBO'S OTP! You Ulquihime shippers got your canon ship, and now FINALLY, GrimmIchi fans have theirs!




BUT. It would be unfair and disrespectful to ignore one other choice bit of shippy evidence. This is something I did not document myself, but has already been spread all over the internet:



We've read theories about its meaning. But what does it REALLY mean? I'll tell you:

It is a HEART. Ulquiorra is obsessed with finding out what a heart is, because he doesn't have one. So he removes Ichigo's, thus opening the door to the introduction of IchiThing. IchiThing obviously ALSO HAS NO HEART now. And clearly, as it's been agreed unanimously: IchiThing created the rubble heart. He DID. And it IS A HEART. Orihime being tossed on her head after its creation is clearly IchiThing's way of saying, "Hay lady, you're in the way of me giving my present to my BFF Ulquiorra." I mean LOOK:



Canon Boy's Love. CANON, I SAY.

Fin.



Disclaimer: Any attempt at taking the above seriously is not recommended, as it may result in permanent brain damage.




Extra special thanks to nehalenia for all the advice and encouragement. ♥
Tags: bl, bleach manga, essay, grimmjow, ichigo, penis, shipping, terrible things, yaoi
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